Solo Parenting

(From our April 2025 Issue)

The Promise of Pain

By Scoti Springfield Domeij

Each single parent’s story differs. However, the repercussion of relational loss remains the same—excruciating pain and disappointment. When debilitated by emotional anguish, the first thoughts that race to an intelligent person’s mind aren’t, “Wow! My shattered dreams will bring about positive change and healing.”

We’ve heard the axiom, “No pain. No gain.” But most people buy into the bromide: “No pain. No pain.” Sex, drugs, alcohol, shopping—name your anesthesia of choice—distracts our minds, numbing us into denial. Like a lion stalking prey, pain waits patiently, camouflaged by the underbrush of our lives until we can’t avoid the confrontation threatening our emotional wellbeing. No amount of faith, security, money, or love immunizes us from misery.

Many people claim, “I want freedom from pain.” How often are our declarations more fantasy than truth? Fear, anxiety, and self-doubt detour us from pursuing healing as a priority. Sometimes we stubbornly prefer nursing the offenses that wounded us. If anger or bitterness ever subsided, we’d be forced to concentrate on the pain to diagnose what missing pieces in our hearts yearn for restoration.

I once harbored anger toward a charming man, who not only betrayed me but also deceived others into rejecting and disparaging me. Failing to recognize the true value of time and how quickly days and years pass, I quit living— “stuck” in a hard shell, nurturing self-destructive, unnecessary pain.

When I chose to feel gratitude for his conduct, his deceitful decisions that once angered me now made me feel relief. Liberation from his power to fabricate daily mayhem became the springboard to propel me to a better, safer, more peaceful and productive place. I wish this epiphany had arrived as quickly as the devastation that shattered my heart. Why does truth often move in our hearts at glacial speed?

Pain strips the heart bare and drains us of strength to be dishonest. When you believe you’re devastated beyond recovery, cling to this truth: The cleansing honesty of agony leads to healing. Anguish calls attention to the essential information we need in order to change our lives and heal our hearts.

I disciplined my thoughts and words. I stopped focusing on the betrayer and my grievances. I refused to engage in or listen to conversations about the person who conspired to ruin me. I refocused on my blessings, not my losses. I engaged with Velveteen Rabbits, people in my life who help me become real by loving and accepting the real me. I refused to allow my history and my resentment to be my identity. When I forgave myself for believing his lies, my pain subsided from a roar to a sigh. Truth shattered the shell incarcerating self-inflicted suffering. Free to be my true self and love living again, I reconnected with my creativity, my passion, my purpose, my God-given abilities.

I asked myself, “What have I always wanted to do? What are my basic joys, desires, inclinations? What do I relish doing so much that I lose track of time? What energizes me and comes naturally? Where do I enjoy volunteering that fulfills my purpose?” Pursuing my passions extinguished my distress and reignited the joy of living and giving.

My scars remain as a reminder: With God’s help, I can move through the unexpected but inevitable invasions of life’s calamities. Suffering no longer overshadows my peace or my joy. Without knowing pain’s dark shade, I’d never experience joy’s healing light.

Propelled into single parenthood with a four-year-old son and a nine-month-old son, Scoti helps solo parents face their fears with courage and embrace new life. Love is a Verb: Stories of What Happens When Love Comes Alive (Bethany House), Christmas Miracles (St. Martin’s Press), and The Mommy Diaries: Finding Yourself in the Daily Adventure (Revell) include Scoti’s essays. She’s been published in The New York Times, Southwest Art, Family Life Today, and other parenting magazines. She writes for https://havokjournal.com, an online military journal. © 2025 Scoti Springfield Domeij. All rights reserved.