Focus On Your Child

(From our April 2025 Issue)

Five Life-Giving Gifts Moms Can Give Their Sons

By Dr. Danny Huerta

Each boy is different, but they all search for the same things: a sense of belonging, worth, competence, and autonomy. Mom – you can help them in ways that only a mother can.

Research points to extensive emotional, behavioral, mental, and spiritual benefits of a mom’s healthy (not perfect) day-to-day involvement in her son’s life. Studies indicate boys have greater resilience, better social skills, higher academic performance, and stronger self-confidence when a mom is involved in their lives.

Healthy involvement means you’re modeling healthy ways of managing your own emotions and relationships well and are providing warmth, sensitivity, guidance, and encouragement.

Although this might not sound naturally easy for everyone, these five recommendations can help as you consider your influence in your son’s life:

Make Your Questions Count. Ask them what the most challenging thing for them was today. When did they feel the most insecure? What do they love learning about? Where do they feel the most relaxed and confident? Make probing inquiries and teach your son from an early age the art of asking questions about and taking interest in others.
Listen for unspoken needs. Your son is most likely wrestling with how he measures up in comparison to other boys. From a young age, boys are comparing and competing and usually developing an aversion to failure. Mothers may be tempted to take things personally or think they’re somehow failing when their son is acting out. Consider what insecurities may be driving certain behaviors. Your son needs to develop understanding about what he’s actually looking for, which usually involves affirmation, respect, love, adventure, and/or control. Help him explore the “why?” behind these needs and then help him explore healthy ways he can pursue these deep longings.
Give clear and consistent guidance. Your son can learn all about compassion, humility, patience, and gentleness from you. All these character qualities will help him express his masculinity in healthy ways, but this requires consistent limits and boundaries. Some boys will try to charm mom into getting their own way. Be firm, though. Research suggests this can lead to behavior problems, and possibly the development of manipulative behavior toward women later on. Give your son clear boundaries and stick to them. Limits help him build the superpower of self-control.
Be playful and curious. Playfulness fosters secure connection, which promotes respect for your influence. Curiosity about your son’s interests helps him feel known. When this happens, he will not be as hungry for other people’s affirmation and acceptance.
Practice self-confidence. As you face challenges, let your son see how to maintain confidence. Teach your son that failure and adversity offer opportunities for growth. Show him that self-confidence isn’t about needing to do everything on your own. Demonstrate willingness to reach out for help and to take constructive feedback from others. The core of self-confidence is humility and teachability.

These are just a few of the ways your influence can help your son grow to become a healthy, hard-working, loving man. For practical parenting content customized to the ages of your kids, visit mykidsage.com.