Solo Parenting

(From our April 2012 Issue)

Find Your Amazing

By Scoti Springfield Domeij

Single parents undergo many losses — identity, financial, cherished material possessions. Equating success with a certain standard of living, who doesn’t yearn for a lifestyle providing security? If we just had a spouse, a bigger house, more money, a better job, then we’d feel happy. Yet, chronic comparison complex — weighing our inner self against someone’s outer self — gnaws away at contentment.

Ignore “I-need-this-to-be-happy” messages. Our celebrity-worshipping, consumer-driven culture markets “I want, I want, I want” obsessions to acquire stuff and status or to attain power, fame, and wealth. “Who is the richest of all?” A maxim in the Mishnaic tractate Avot 4:1 reveals, “One who is satisfied with his portion.”

Compare leads to despair. After grieving the loss of the “former” life, this niggling question, Why can't I have what other people possess? can imprison a single parent’s thinking. Our heart wrestles with longings for others’ bigger, better, nicer, newer, more expensive, comfortable life. A popular French writer, Henri René Albert Guy De Maupassant penned this epitaph on his tombstone: “I have coveted everything and taken pleasure in nothing.” Proverbs 4:23, NIV cautions, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Coveting, often an unconscious goad, autopilots unwise decision-making. Coveting marriage clouds our thinking about who and why we date. We give up precious time with our children chasing relationships. Coveting electronics, cars, homes, or things we can’t afford chains us to crushing debt.

Evaluate your values. Who craves what holds little or no appeal? Who covets a neighbor’s abusive mate, rundown house, rickety car, or stinky garbage? Uncontrolled longings — desiring our neighbor’s attentive spouse, beautiful home, reliable car, or lovely things — influences morals we’ll bend and people we’ll sacrifice to attain what we value.

Try reverse coveting. Our worth measured against others depends on how much we possess rather than appreciating our blessings. Comparing our lives to those less fortunate readjusts attention on our good fortune. Truth is, I’m wealthy. I enjoy running water and my roof protects me from the weather. I own a phone and TV. God blesses every person with unique abilities. The most content individuals use their talents to serve others. How can you use your time, resources and talents to meet another person’s genuine need?

Pursue contentment. Unfulfilled assurances by those we once loved carve deep wounds. So why do we so eagerly embrace envy’s empty promises that deceive us into hoping something or someone will make us happy or insulate us from hardship? I wish my history contained less adversity. However, idyllic expectations and coveting my neighbor’s perceived life of ease prevent me from accepting myself and improving my circumstances. God doesn’t keep score tallying who’s better than another person. It’s hard enough being oneself and parenting alone. Instead of comparing ourselves unfavorably to others, let’s discover the amazing person God created us to be.

Be a watcher. When tempted to compare and covet, “Theirs is nicer than ours,” watch your beliefs. Teach your children gratitude by reviewing your many blessings. Gandhi observed, “If you believe that God pervades everything that He has created, you must believe that you cannot enjoy anything that is not given by Him. And seeing that He is the Creator of His numberless children, it follows that you cannot covet anybody’s possessions.”

Propelled into single parenthood with a four-year-old son and a nine-month-old son, Scoti helps solo parents face their fears with courage and embrace new life. Love is a Verb: Stories of What Happens When Love Comes Alive (Bethany House), Christmas Miracles (St. Martin’s Press), and The Mommy Diaries: Finding Yourself in the Daily Adventure (Revell) include Scoti’s essays. She’s been published in The New York Times, Southwest Art, Family Life Today, and other parenting magazines. She blogs at www.courageoussingleparenting.com. © 2012 Scoti Springfield Domeij. All rights reserved.